Lately I’ve been finding it hard to feel and think straight. Stupefied. It may be the summer heat getting to me, but my brain, heart and body are so tired.
I feel heavy. Like I’m reluctantly wearing layers of waterlogged ill-fitting clothing. Assembled pieces of group think, other people’s opinions, agendas, beliefs, preferences, tastes and ideas of what is good and not good. I’ve realised I need some time to strip down. To look at these garments.
It can be hard when other people’s voices are so loud and clear, but my own is so quiet and nebulous. I need to ask myself quietly, what do I really think, believe or feel about a given instance or subject? Sometimes I just don’t know. I need more time to shape an informed opinion. Time in doubt. Time in uncertainty. Stepping in, pulling away, stepping back in.
There is real pressure to KNOW and have an opinion and align yourself straight away. It’s very easy to regurgitate other people’s easy answers and ideas without really chewing on them. Without getting more context and information. Without checking biases and prejudices. Without humbly realising the lack awareness and understanding I have.
So, I’m trying to combat this situation by giving myself the permission to ask more questions, take my time and change my mind. And not settle for easy answers.