What’s the real problem here?

This morning I was reflecting on how easy it is to point to one thing, a specific instance, a behaviour, a person, or force as being “the problem”. But when you ask why, how, and go deeper, it’s often something else. Something broader. Sometimes it’s a weird dynamic of things. Potentially something more complex.

Going deeper might seem too hard. But staying on the surface can turn into a Sisyphean task. A misdirection of attention and effort. We’ve all had the experience of this, where just as one fire is extinguished another one pops up. Like the myth of the Hydra beast with multiple heads, you cut one off and two grow back. How do you kill the beast? You go for the heart.

It makes me think of the trope of the long suffering couple that argue all the time about petty things. Angry attempts to control, negotiate details and terms. But it’s not about the things. It’s really about some unresolved sadness from long ago, that’s gone underground. It’s about grasping for emotional closeness and attention, that neither feels they can ask for.

It makes me think of how I got so angry with my friend last year, for always being late and regularly checking their phone whenever we were catching up. But really, I was hurt because I saw these things as evidence that they didn’t respect and value me and my time.